Friday, July 4, 2008

Noise, and new places to live

I'll probably bitch a bit about some of my favorite bitch topics in the first several posts, so you'll learn what I'm about...

I live in a condo in the metro area of a large Northeastern U.S. city. I got this condo after my LH (Late Husband) died. I'd meant to live here on my own, for at least 2-3 years, figuring at the rate I was going it would take me at least that long to find a guy who was actually good for me in my post-widowhood state, and get serious enough with him, to even think about moving or having him move in with me or whatever. Didn't work out that way - turns out the guy I had only recently met wound up being my new husband. For various reasons, when we officially moved in together last year after the wedding (having split time for a while before that between his place and mine), we decided to live in my place.

Unfortunately, for the second condo in a row, I have obnoxious, noisy, fairly-inconsiderate upstairs neighbors, with children no less. And unfortunately, it's a typically constructed building for its age and location (i.e. very little sound insulation between units). As in my last place, we hear A LOT related to the kids from the upstairs neighbors (I blame the adults, not the kids - it's the adults' responsibility to put down enough carpeting, not do noisy things like construction late at night or early in the morning, keep the kid from playing loud games at 6am on a Sunday in the master bedroom when they know about the sound carriage situation, etc.).

I just have to wonder why it is that nature/the universe/fate/God etc. thinks it's "funny" to make me live underneath three inconsiderate sets of neighbors with children in the last 6 years. Given that my LH and I had wanted to have kids, then he got cancer, then he died, and then I was a young widow living alone in a large condo, now remarried and struggling just to ovulate for starters, etc. - how is that fair? In the last building when we moved in, there were only probably 2-4 families out of almost 100 units who had kids - and yup, we lived below one set of them. Just my luck.

Now, whenever I hear the upstairs kid really get going running around, in addition to it being annoying to deal with the noise, I keep thinking how lucky they are. Back before she clued into the fact that we really were serious about their needing to put down carpeting (gee, they had only been there for over a year at that point and we'd been nicely asking them to put carpeting down given the noise for almost 5 months) and trying to be more considerate about the noise issues, I was friendly with the mom. She pretty much said she got pregnant accidentally. Yeah, not a problem I have. So while I know it is not their intent (clueless as they are), having to listen to their kid-related (and other) noise just rubs in the fact that I am still not a mom at 32, and that given the PCOS and anovulation issues, it's probably not happening any time soon. I can't help but be really jealous. Their daughter is adorable, even if she is very loud. *sigh*

Anyway, we are soon moving a little ways away! Probably in December. The place is all steel and concrete (sadly, I am EXTREMELY EXCITED about the building materials since it'll mean much less noise!) between the floors and sound-dampening drywall between the units, and we will be on the top floor! The place will be much bigger, which is great. But... I am also a little apprehensive about affording the larger mortgage, especially if the TTC thing gets expensive. (At the moment we have pretty good insurance through my job, but we'll see what happens with that.)

And... I worry sometimes that in getting the larger place before we actually conceive and it appears sticky, we're cursing ourselves. I'd had the larger place with my LH, and well... you know what happened with that. I wound up there alone and widowed.

Think positive, think positive... I bought the fan deck from a paint collection yesterday, so I can have some fun with that, dreaming of paint colors!

Tonight - or why I started blogging now

I've been thinking of starting a blog for a little while (likely topics: the TTC thing, PCOS, young widowhood, young adult cancer, remarried young widows, work stuff, etc.). So, I finally did it. (BTW, "LH" in my world is "Late Husband" - it will be a somewhat frequent reference, so there you go.) This will be a bit long, since I'm trying to give you guys some background.

As I alluded to in my first post, issues of pregnancy/babies/etc. were HORRIFICALLY painful for me while my LH was slowly dying of cancer and for 2+ years after he died. I literally couldn't deal with most things related to those topics. It was like the proverbial "Why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're CLOSED!" Only, times about 100. At least.

And now, L and I are having trouble getting pregnant. I ovulated once right off the pill back in January - and then nothing since then. I'm doing the whole temping/charting THING, so I KNOW I haven't O'ed. I have freaking pretty charts and statistics (those of you doing this too will totally get what I mean). Lots of pretty pictures showing why I'm not pregnant, why I could have two martinis tonight (I was not a happy camper, so sue me). And I'm doing occasional ovulation predictor kits, not that they're overly useful for many of us with PCOS anyway, but whatever, just for sh**s and giggles.

The cause of my not being a happy camper tonight? Within about an hour of each other, I found out that two friends are pregnant - one, an old friend of my LH's (who I also knew going way back) whose wife is due any day now, and the other, a close friend who had been not really hardcore TTC but kind of not NOT trying for only a couple of months... and bingo, two lines. The first set already has a 2+ year old daughter, and this friend had already accidentally put his foot in it. When his wife was pregnant the first time, he sent an e-mail to me about how overjoyed he was to feel his baby move inside his wife - to his friend's widow who had already told him that pregnancy stuff was incredibly painful to her - hello?!?!?! The second friend and I had wanted to be pregnant together. Oh well.

I feel absolutely awful - almost dirty - about not being able to be happier for both of these friends. And I'd suspected it, too. I've developed a hyper-sensitive radar for pregnancies in the last 5 years. But at the same time, I am ANGRY and HURT that I can't be there with them. I hate - loathe - that my LH's friend has become one of these obliviously happy parents who just don't get (and worse, don't really respect) the fact that no everyone's lives revolve around children (even if they ARE parents!), and thus I pretty much have nothing to talk to him about anymore. And clearly they have had absolutely no problem getting pregnant either time (I know they got pregnant pretty much immediately the first time, and I can do the math with the fact that there is not much time between kids). I had even told him that my new husband and I were having trouble in the TTC area, and he barely even acknowledged it much less offered any kind of empathy when he wrote back to tell me that they were pregnant again. Um, thanks for even trying to be empathetic!

I also absolutely hate that my other friend and I will not be able to somehow have the stars align and both be pregnant together. And now I am afraid I will lose her as a friend, as has happened with so many others, especially given how hard pregnancy/kid stuff has been for me in the last few years. Not that she would purposely leave me out of her life, but kids have a way of doing that to so many friendships. Especially if you don't live really near each other, and my friend and I don't. And so of course, I am really upset that I can't be more supportive of her, happier for her pregnancy, etc. She was very sweet on the phone, saying that she knew this may be hard for me, that she wanted us to be friends but she would understand if I needed to take little breaks from her pregnancy news as long as they weren't permanent breaks, etc. Of course, that only makes me feel worse.

After all this, I walked into the bar where I was meeting my husband and some friends for drinks to kick off the holiday weekend... and promptly burst into tears. My heart felt like it was breaking in a way it hasn't - well, pretty much ever - about anything other than my late husband's death and related issues. My husband steered me back outside to the curb, and I sobbed into his chest in front of all the people at the outdoor tables. Yeehaw! How classy. Good thing I had lots of training in getting over crying in public during the intensive young cancer spouse/young widow period. It felt like something was coming open in my chest, and such painful, deep sadness was pouring out. I hadn't cried like that in a while.

Anyway, as far as our TTC, I more or less knew I probably had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) even before going to the reproductive endocrinologist a few weeks ago. I went off the pill last December, ovulated once, and then nothing since then. I guess I never figured I wouldn't have ovulated at least 2-3 times by now. (Ah, to believe that again...) To make things even more fun, since we went on a big trip this spring (for which I had to get extra unpaid days worked into my contract) and have another "command performance" family trip next month, I have basically absolutely NO vacation/sick days left at work. So, I feel like I can't even really start medical intervention to TTC - even Metformin, a diabetes drug that helps some women with PCOS to ovulate more regularly - because I really can't take much time at all for the doctors' appointments. Not to mention possible sick days due to potential drug side effects. Ugh.

So I feel like I'm really between a rock and a hard place. Especially after news from two friends who are PG and how I felt tonight, I want to jump on either the Met or Clomid freaking tomorrow. But I feel like I'm barely holding on at work as it is (my job isn't that hard, but it's been really annoying and rather stressful for the last 6 weeks or so, and will probably not get any better in the next 2 weeks). So how would I be able to deal with all the feelings about getting treatment, how the drugs may make me feel, etc. - and still function even halfway decently at work? But I am pretty much over acting like there is "plenty of time", like it's not a big deal if I don't start treatments until more like late fall or so, etc.

So anyway... that gives you an idea of some Stuff I'm dealing with, may be writing about, etc. Thanks for "listening".

Let's get this started

Let me briefly (ha ha) introduce myself.

I'm KJ. I'm 32 years old. I have lived in a few different cities before returning to the Northeastern U.S. area where I grew up. I had been married a few years, we had bought our first home, and were probably a few months from trying to get pregnant. Instead, my late husband developed a rare and super-aggressive cancer. He lived almost a year before the cancer took him from me. Thus, I was widowed at 28. Other than the loss of my LH himself, the loss of our planned-for and much-wanted family was by orders of magnitude the second-most-painful part of the whole widowhood thing.

Incredibly, though, I was lucky enough to meet L only a little over a year after losing my LH (and after several mistakes related to "men" - quotations needed - dating too soon after being widowed is rarely a good idea). Although it was a bit tough in the first few months given all I was still dealing with, we fell in love, and then got married last summer.

Now, we are moving onto that next part of things... trying to get pregnant. However, I had my diagnosis of PCOS confirmed a few weeks ago, which is kind of a problem. Yeah, I would say not ovulating since right after I went off the pill 6 1/2 months ago is a problem. At least it seems my husband's part of things is all good, fortunately. It's just me who has "issues" in trying to get me knocked up.

Anyway, I hope that this blog proves helpful for me to work out all my swirling feelings, that maybe it winds up helping some other people also, or at least is somewhat amusing.

Thanks for indulging me.