Anxiety;

Geez, if I'm this anxious just before a stupid ultrasound when I'm not even on Clomid yet, how am I going to deal with my nerves before bigger things?!

I am 99% sure that there won't be a dominant follicle (though last Friday's bloodwork seemed to say it could maybe kinda almost happen, hence they're having me come in again). I just want to work out a plan for where to go from here.

I had a bit of a "discussion" with my boss late this afternoon. (She has been getting stricter and stricter about hours for summer Friday afternoon flex time as a way to deal with her own stress, I think. As far as I can tell, all or most of the other departments in the company aren't nearly this strict. I get the brunt of it because of my job, but she's been doing it to the rest of the department too.) Anyway, long story short, I tried to impress upon her that I had other obligations and appointments over which I only had some control outside of work, and thus I couldn't necessarily work the extra hours in the way my boss wanted me to, that I needed some flexibility on that. She knows I'm dealing with PCOS - I briefly gave her an idea a few weeks ago. But I made it clear that I was not at all comfortable discussing such details with my boss, so it's been VERY awkward, that I've tried to just get the extra hours in earlier in the week the last couple of weeks before the ultrasounds so I wouldn't have to discuss it at all with her. We'll see how much the situation improves, but supposedly she's going to try to meet me halfway - let me work the extra hours in whatever way I feel is reasonable, as long as I give her an idea of how I'm going to do it at the beginning of the week. So we'll see... if she really is a bit more flexible, that will buy me some more time in the job. But it also depends on how many appointments the doctors want me to do, and how soon.

I think my boss dealt with infertility - she adopted an older child about 10 years ago. Weirdly, in a discussion tonight, I floated the idea that she may see pushing me toward putting in more hours etc. as a way to "help", subconsicously, in case it doesn't work out for me to have a bio child of my own. As in, make sure you get a solid career for yourself, in case this pregnancy thing just doesn't happen and you need something to keep yourself busy and distracted. Just a theory...

Now, if only PMLG (Post Maternity Leave Girl) would kindly move her baby pictures *inside* her office door that I have to walk by nearly constantly, that would also help make the work stuff a bit more bearable.

Also, I've paradoxically found that a pregnant co-worker who usually works remotely has been really supportive since I told her last week that we were TTC, I hadn't ovulated since January, and that with our boss becoming ever more weirdly obsessed with our hours, I was losing my mind. Seeing pregnant women is usually hard, but I know this co-worker miscarried before her current pregnancy (it's her first), and she was really kind when I told her about what I was dealing with. I really appreciated that. She looked at me knowingly when she was in the office a couple of days ago, asking me with more depth how I was REALLY doing. I said that I was getting through - at least the Weight Watchers thing was going well (almost halfway to my WW goal weight!), at least that was one thing that was going well! The only other co-worker I've told that we're TTC and having trouble was super supportive also. She started cooing sympathetically when I told her (whispering on my cube phone). She's a mom herself (a teen and 9-year-old), and it was so obvious in the "there, there" sounds she was making! I just thought I'd burst if I didn't tell a couple of people at work.

Well... bedtime, since I have to be up very early to get to this appointment, and because my boss was only out for the late afternoon and will be back tomorrow morning. I hope either there is a big, bold, obviously lead follicle - or nada, like last week, so I can just ask when I could schedule the HSG (after Provera and AF, of course).

Good night.

What would your t-shirt/bumper sticker say?

You know those t-shirts that seek to inform, instruct, or just generally badger people into seeing your point of view? In this age where you can lay out your t-shirt online and order it, you can get any old t-shirt saying you want. Better not order one while drunk or in the middle of a crying fit!

Hmmmm... among the things my tshirt might say:

"One cat shy of A Cat Lady"

"Widowhood is permanent. Getting remarried doesn't make it 'all better'."

"'Relax' is NOT a cure for PCOS!"

"I'm having trouble getting knocked up, and you tell me to relax? RELAX?! Come closer and I'll relax YOU!"

My infertility has given my mom "grandma envy"

Okay, so maybe I don't have a future in the t-shirt design industry, but you get the point. :)

What would your t-shirt or bumper sticker say?

Ultrasounds; next steps

I got a call from one of my RE's practice partners last Wednesday (my usual RE is out of town). He suggested I come in this past Friday to get an ultrasound to see where things stand for me. They were able to fit me in at 8am, which is great since I have to be at work a little ways away from the doctor's office. I went in (was late because I messed up getting there, another story, I was nervous etc.), got the bloodwork and ultrasound. It was fortunately a female doctor who did the wanding (I hadn't had one done in 4 years), which made it slightly less awkward.

She basically told me I had "stereotypically cystic PCOS ovaries with no dominant follicle" and that "there is no question you would benefit from medication, no question at all." Again, not anything that surprises me, but it's still not fun to hear. But, later that afternoon, she called me back and said my estradiol was a bit elevated, so there was some chance I could develop a dominant follicle sometime in the following week - neither she nor I expected that. (Although I wonder if she looked at the full blood profile closely enough - what if my estradiol is just elevated this cycle? My temps seem lower than in the previous cycle? Don't know for sure if there is a connection.)

So, I'm going in for another ultrasound on Thursday to see if by some chance I've developed a dominant follicle. I'm not holding my breath, but I guess we'll see.

My tentative plan is to ask them about Provera to start an AF very soon; do the HSG before we go away for a week (command performance with in-laws); then do the birth control pill for that month to calm down the cysts; then the Clomid. We'll see what the doctors say when I ask them what they think of my tentative plan! I want to maximize the chances that the Clomid will work (or at least not quickly cause large non-functional cyst issues that would lead to some time on the pill anyway), so this seems to make sense to me. Make sure my tube are open with the HSG, and calm down the "millions of little cysts" currently on my ovaries.

And in the meantime, I've decided (pretty much) what I'm going to do work-wise. My DH and I have drafted a letter to my boss, giving her far more detail about what I've been dealing with than I'd wanted to share... but I feel like I have no choice but to share more than I'm comfortable with to lay all my cards out, so to speak. I basically said that I didn't expect to be at the point of having to choose fertility treatments only 6 months after starting the job (I'd hoped to ovulate at least 2-3 times by now, but instead I last O'ed back in January); that emotionally this is especially difficult for me because of the loss of my late husband and the loss of having a family with my LH, and now I'm having "fertility challenges" with my new husband; that I have no choice but to have some of these appointments at times that will eat into standard work time, and with what she's said about how I would be allowed to make up some time, it would be extremely difficult to make up enough time if I start having a lot of appointments. And that the choices are either for us to work out SOMETHING in the way of time flexibility for me to have my appointments (unlikely for a variety of reasons); for her to help me find a job that is part time with benefits there and with some flexibility in the hours so I won't have to worry about that when I have appointments; or... I would have to quit (and find a part-time job somewhere else). I am not thrilled with the last option. The best choice would be the part-time gig somewhere at the company. But I don't know if it'll happen.

Nonetheless, I have decided I will make it work as long as I can (probably until shortly before I start Clomid, whenever it winds up being), and then give her the letter and see what happens. Although I am NOT looking forward to having to actually give it to her and have the inevitable super-awkward conversation, I've made some peace with knowing that this is the deal, and I have gone as far as I can with this.

Another week is starting... we'll see how this one is.