Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Anxiety;

Geez, if I'm this anxious just before a stupid ultrasound when I'm not even on Clomid yet, how am I going to deal with my nerves before bigger things?!

I am 99% sure that there won't be a dominant follicle (though last Friday's bloodwork seemed to say it could maybe kinda almost happen, hence they're having me come in again). I just want to work out a plan for where to go from here.

I had a bit of a "discussion" with my boss late this afternoon. (She has been getting stricter and stricter about hours for summer Friday afternoon flex time as a way to deal with her own stress, I think. As far as I can tell, all or most of the other departments in the company aren't nearly this strict. I get the brunt of it because of my job, but she's been doing it to the rest of the department too.) Anyway, long story short, I tried to impress upon her that I had other obligations and appointments over which I only had some control outside of work, and thus I couldn't necessarily work the extra hours in the way my boss wanted me to, that I needed some flexibility on that. She knows I'm dealing with PCOS - I briefly gave her an idea a few weeks ago. But I made it clear that I was not at all comfortable discussing such details with my boss, so it's been VERY awkward, that I've tried to just get the extra hours in earlier in the week the last couple of weeks before the ultrasounds so I wouldn't have to discuss it at all with her. We'll see how much the situation improves, but supposedly she's going to try to meet me halfway - let me work the extra hours in whatever way I feel is reasonable, as long as I give her an idea of how I'm going to do it at the beginning of the week. So we'll see... if she really is a bit more flexible, that will buy me some more time in the job. But it also depends on how many appointments the doctors want me to do, and how soon.

I think my boss dealt with infertility - she adopted an older child about 10 years ago. Weirdly, in a discussion tonight, I floated the idea that she may see pushing me toward putting in more hours etc. as a way to "help", subconsicously, in case it doesn't work out for me to have a bio child of my own. As in, make sure you get a solid career for yourself, in case this pregnancy thing just doesn't happen and you need something to keep yourself busy and distracted. Just a theory...

Now, if only PMLG (Post Maternity Leave Girl) would kindly move her baby pictures *inside* her office door that I have to walk by nearly constantly, that would also help make the work stuff a bit more bearable.

Also, I've paradoxically found that a pregnant co-worker who usually works remotely has been really supportive since I told her last week that we were TTC, I hadn't ovulated since January, and that with our boss becoming ever more weirdly obsessed with our hours, I was losing my mind. Seeing pregnant women is usually hard, but I know this co-worker miscarried before her current pregnancy (it's her first), and she was really kind when I told her about what I was dealing with. I really appreciated that. She looked at me knowingly when she was in the office a couple of days ago, asking me with more depth how I was REALLY doing. I said that I was getting through - at least the Weight Watchers thing was going well (almost halfway to my WW goal weight!), at least that was one thing that was going well! The only other co-worker I've told that we're TTC and having trouble was super supportive also. She started cooing sympathetically when I told her (whispering on my cube phone). She's a mom herself (a teen and 9-year-old), and it was so obvious in the "there, there" sounds she was making! I just thought I'd burst if I didn't tell a couple of people at work.

Well... bedtime, since I have to be up very early to get to this appointment, and because my boss was only out for the late afternoon and will be back tomorrow morning. I hope either there is a big, bold, obviously lead follicle - or nada, like last week, so I can just ask when I could schedule the HSG (after Provera and AF, of course).

Good night.

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