I've been thinking of starting a blog for a little while (likely topics: the TTC thing, PCOS, young widowhood, young adult cancer, remarried young widows, work stuff, etc.). So, I finally did it. (BTW, "LH" in my world is "Late Husband" - it will be a somewhat frequent reference, so there you go.) This will be a bit long, since I'm trying to give you guys some background.
As I alluded to in my first post, issues of pregnancy/babies/etc. were HORRIFICALLY painful for me while my LH was slowly dying of cancer and for 2+ years after he died. I literally couldn't deal with most things related to those topics. It was like the proverbial "Why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're CLOSED!" Only, times about 100. At least.
And now, L and I are having trouble getting pregnant. I ovulated once right off the pill back in January - and then nothing since then. I'm doing the whole temping/charting THING, so I KNOW I haven't O'ed. I have freaking pretty charts and statistics (those of you doing this too will totally get what I mean). Lots of pretty pictures showing why I'm not pregnant, why I could have two martinis tonight (I was not a happy camper, so sue me). And I'm doing occasional ovulation predictor kits, not that they're overly useful for many of us with PCOS anyway, but whatever, just for sh**s and giggles.
The cause of my not being a happy camper tonight? Within about an hour of each other, I found out that two friends are pregnant - one, an old friend of my LH's (who I also knew going way back) whose wife is due any day now, and the other, a close friend who had been not really hardcore TTC but kind of not NOT trying for only a couple of months... and bingo, two lines. The first set already has a 2+ year old daughter, and this friend had already accidentally put his foot in it. When his wife was pregnant the first time, he sent an e-mail to me about how overjoyed he was to feel his baby move inside his wife - to his friend's widow who had already told him that pregnancy stuff was incredibly painful to her - hello?!?!?! The second friend and I had wanted to be pregnant together. Oh well.
I feel absolutely awful - almost dirty - about not being able to be happier for both of these friends. And I'd suspected it, too. I've developed a hyper-sensitive radar for pregnancies in the last 5 years. But at the same time, I am ANGRY and HURT that I can't be there with them. I hate - loathe - that my LH's friend has become one of these obliviously happy parents who just don't get (and worse, don't really respect) the fact that no everyone's lives revolve around children (even if they ARE parents!), and thus I pretty much have nothing to talk to him about anymore. And clearly they have had absolutely no problem getting pregnant either time (I know they got pregnant pretty much immediately the first time, and I can do the math with the fact that there is not much time between kids). I had even told him that my new husband and I were having trouble in the TTC area, and he barely even acknowledged it much less offered any kind of empathy when he wrote back to tell me that they were pregnant again. Um, thanks for even trying to be empathetic!
I also absolutely hate that my other friend and I will not be able to somehow have the stars align and both be pregnant together. And now I am afraid I will lose her as a friend, as has happened with so many others, especially given how hard pregnancy/kid stuff has been for me in the last few years. Not that she would purposely leave me out of her life, but kids have a way of doing that to so many friendships. Especially if you don't live really near each other, and my friend and I don't. And so of course, I am really upset that I can't be more supportive of her, happier for her pregnancy, etc. She was very sweet on the phone, saying that she knew this may be hard for me, that she wanted us to be friends but she would understand if I needed to take little breaks from her pregnancy news as long as they weren't permanent breaks, etc. Of course, that only makes me feel worse.
After all this, I walked into the bar where I was meeting my husband and some friends for drinks to kick off the holiday weekend... and promptly burst into tears. My heart felt like it was breaking in a way it hasn't - well, pretty much ever - about anything other than my late husband's death and related issues. My husband steered me back outside to the curb, and I sobbed into his chest in front of all the people at the outdoor tables. Yeehaw! How classy. Good thing I had lots of training in getting over crying in public during the intensive young cancer spouse/young widow period. It felt like something was coming open in my chest, and such painful, deep sadness was pouring out. I hadn't cried like that in a while.
Anyway, as far as our TTC, I more or less knew I probably had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) even before going to the reproductive endocrinologist a few weeks ago. I went off the pill last December, ovulated once, and then nothing since then. I guess I never figured I wouldn't have ovulated at least 2-3 times by now. (Ah, to believe that again...) To make things even more fun, since we went on a big trip this spring (for which I had to get extra unpaid days worked into my contract) and have another "command performance" family trip next month, I have basically absolutely NO vacation/sick days left at work. So, I feel like I can't even really start medical intervention to TTC - even Metformin, a diabetes drug that helps some women with PCOS to ovulate more regularly - because I really can't take much time at all for the doctors' appointments. Not to mention possible sick days due to potential drug side effects. Ugh.
So I feel like I'm really between a rock and a hard place. Especially after news from two friends who are PG and how I felt tonight, I want to jump on either the Met or Clomid freaking tomorrow. But I feel like I'm barely holding on at work as it is (my job isn't that hard, but it's been really annoying and rather stressful for the last 6 weeks or so, and will probably not get any better in the next 2 weeks). So how would I be able to deal with all the feelings about getting treatment, how the drugs may make me feel, etc. - and still function even halfway decently at work? But I am pretty much over acting like there is "plenty of time", like it's not a big deal if I don't start treatments until more like late fall or so, etc.
So anyway... that gives you an idea of some Stuff I'm dealing with, may be writing about, etc. Thanks for "listening".
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3 comments:
A fellow PCOSer here. My experience with Metformin is that it doesn't have too many side-effects, especially if you start with a low dose and build up. I would also highly recommend going the low-carb route, or, at least, the lower-carb route. The thing there is that insulin molecule has a part that can bind to the receptors intended for LH molecules, and can, therefore, mess with your cycles. Low-carb allows you to limit the amount of insulin circulating in your system, and may allow you to ovulate. When I was younger, low-carb was enough to right my cycles and get me to ovulate (though it took about a year of low carbing to get to that place). These days I also need met, and, last time, a bit more help.
Hope this helps.
Julia - Thanks for sharing your experiences. I have been doing the Weight Watchers thing as I said, and have been trying to shift to lower carbs, although that's been hard. (I already try to go more whole grain with my carbs, at least, which is a bit better.) I just feel like I have so little leeway in being able to deal with work as it is, that I just don't know if I could deal with being more than moderately sick from the Met for several weeks or months in a row! So I'm still trying to figure it out - and awaiting some info from my doctor. So we'll see. But thanks again for sharing. :)
Welcome to the blogosphere. I'm also a fellow PCOSer. I second Julia's advice - the Met is hell on my system, but I have been able to control my IR with only a low-carb diet and moderate (okay rare) exercise. Weight Watchers is on the opposite end of the spectrum from what works best with our systems. It sounds completely backwards, but low-carb (which tends to be a bit higher in the fat department) is better than low-fat (which tends to be laden with carbs). Even if you can't jump immediately into Clomid and/or Met, trying to combat the anovulation with might give you some sense of control. At least, that's what helps work for me.
I'm thinking of you as you navigate all of the things that brought you to this blogosphere.
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