Saturday, May 8, 2010

Gratitude & desire

I am so endlessly grateful to have my son. Even as he can be frustrating at times these days - being too distracted to nurse consistently, thinking chewing on power cords is fun, pulling everyone's hair (mine, the cats', etc.) - he is just so amazing. As I've said recently, watching him become an active agent in his own little life to an ever-increasing degree is simply amazing.

But - it's *because* our son is so amazing that we want to have another baby. We have a nickname related to what we called our son while I was pregnant already picked out for the hoped-for new baby. We thought of that one even before our son was born. Growing him inside me, feeling him squirming, and then being able to give birth to him (as much as that was a challenging process), and then breastfeeding him, has just been incredible.

As I pack up some of the baby items that we don't need for our son anymore (small receiving blankets, outgrown clothes, etc.), it's definitely more than a little sad. I hope to need these items again for a second baby. I even hope to have the dilemma of figuring out what to do with the most boy-type things, should we have a girl for a second child. And our son is increasingly a toddler, not a little baby anymore. The idea of never having some of those little-baby moments again makes me quite sad and makes it harder for me to let go of the moments when he is still a small, vulnerable little one.

Having lost my first husband to cancer, I really want my son to have a sibling. My husband and I won't live forever. While my own sister and brother are married (or almost married) and likely hoping for kids, who knows what will happen. Hopefully if my son has a sibling he has a good relationship with, they can support each other in life. If he has cousins he's close to, that would be amazing. At least last I knew, my brother-in-law from my first marriage was close with one of his cousins. That is great, since he lost his only sibling (my late husband), and he already had some issues in some ways. But I am hoping my son will have a sibling eventually... and my husband and I can have more of those little-baby moments.

No comments: