Infertility and Work

As I hinted at in my last post, I feel like I can't really do what I need to do fertility-treatment-wise given work. (I work at a company that does education stuff, enough on that.)

I haven't been there that long (several months, but less than a year). I have already had several false starts work-wise since my LH's death, so I don't want to quit outright, even if I had something else I could do part-time that would still somehow have benefits and more than $5 a paycheck. This job was mostly a foot-in-the-door type thing (but the benefits and an okay paycheck considering the position are really good too), so I don't want to burn any bridges, either. The vacation/sick policy is not horrible, but I have effectively used up all my days on a big trip that had to be negotiated into my starting paperwork already. So I basically have no time off that is not already a company holiday until after the New Year.

While there is some flexibility in my department in being able to take the occasional (and I do stress OCCASIONAL) couple of hours for a doctor's appointment and not be docked for it, I had several appointments in a row in late May-early June. I had put them off for a while already (checkups, follow-ups for stuff I'm supposed to get checked every so often, etc.). My boss was understanding at first, but then I could tell that she was annoyed by the number of appointments (despite the fact that I had given her ample warning that these were coming up, and had been making up the lost time). I finally had to print something out for her to let her know that I was dealing with fertility issues, and she was cool about it (I think she may have dealt with some of this herself when she was younger).

But, I just don't know if I will be able to keep up with sufficiently focusing on the job (which had already been getting increasingly difficult as I've begun to realize that I really am not ovulating, and thus will have to enter the realm of fertility treatments), in addition to trying to somehow work it out with my boss to do whatever appointments I'll need to do if I go on Metformin or Clomid. Not to mention the likely side effects of abdominal cramping and probably having to live in the bathroom for the first few weeks of Met, and/or the potential mood issues if we go straight to the Clomid.

To further complicate things, L and I are in the process of buying a new condo. While my pay is not a lot, it's still something, so I really kind of would have to continue in the position until we have a locked-in mortgage. I'm not sure how soon that will really have to be (officially we only have 45 days, but given that the place won't be done until late fall-early winter...?). And as I said, the benefits are good and COBRA is expensive on top of copays etc., so I feel like I shouldn't quit or go down to part-time without benefits (even if there were a position like that that I could take). So I just don't know what to do!!!

I figure, for the summer, I'll try to make whatever appointments on Friday afternoons (although that's tough, obviously, since doctors may be closing early on Fridays too), since we get summer Friday flex-time, and hope that somehow we get lucky in the next couple of months. But it kills me to continue to do the wait-and-see but not really do anything productive, because I don't know if I can take the side effects of the Met, or the additional appointments required of the Clomid. (What I've heard about the Met side effects sound in part much like how my stomach felt for about 2 years surrounding my LH's death... I never want to go back to feeling like that again!)

Am I just a wuss about the job stuff, and about being afraid of the side effects if I can't just take a sick day here or there? Am I just stalling? Am I afraid we'll actually get pregnant, paradoxical though that is?! I just don't know...

Oh, and this morning, we're meeting friends for brunch. I love brunch, big fan. But a friend in this group who normally doesn't show up to these things is coming... she got PG by semi-accident before she and her husband married, and now is pregnant with the second one. You think she's super-fertile?! (The kids will be only 18 months apart.) She only met her husband a couple of months before L and I met, and we didn't dilly-dally about getting engaged and married. To make it worse, it doesn't really occur to M that there can be other perspectives on life - she decides she wants to do or say something, and nothing will deter her. (But she seems very sweet and cute and harmless before you get to know that side of her.) Some of the same friends who saw me break down the other night (my husband gave them the topline summary while I went to the bathroom to wash off the Tammy Faye streaks on my face after crying) have been really nice asking how I was doing etc. At L's request, they have promised to help keep the pregnant one from making the whole conversation about her, her kid, and her pregnancy, which I REALLY appreciate. L said he'll also make sure I don't have to sit next to M., so I will hopefully not have to talk with her much at all.

I am not looking forward to seeing M, especially after the last few days I've had relative to other people's pregnancy news etc., and given that she is the not-so-empathic type. At the same time, I'm schizo about the kid thing - I went to a BBQ on the 4th for a couple of hours, and those friends have a baby. I wound up holding the baby for a while, talking to her, etc. But my pleasure in holding her was precariously close to my heart breaking again over the fertility issues we're facing...

Anyway, here is some of the issue as far as work/life expectations. To mangle a quote from Charlotte on "Sex & the City", "It's tradition! We will not behave like a typical barren couple! We have to LIVE!!!" I feel like that's what's expected of me/us. I'm not supposed to quit my job/shift to part-time to give myself the time and mental/emotional space to try to conceive, because I'm not supposed to put ANYTHING in my life on hold in the quest for a baby. I'm not supposed to mind hearing about other people's pregnancies, babies, toddlers, etc., since of course they have the right to get pregnant by looking at their husbands, and it's not their fault I can't do the same. I'm not supposed to be anything other than happy for my good friend who just got pregnant after only 2 cycles of not-preventing, instead of feeling guilty for not being happier for her and angry that I'm not right there with her. (I would be the logical person to offer to hold a small shower for her in the area when she is here around the holidays, but I don't know if I could do that without having to serve up a voodoo version of my heart on a platter for everyone to ritually stab, just to give physical representation to how I would probably feel if I did follow through with giving her a baby shower.) I'm not supposed to really resent the woman in the next department over at work who just came back to work after having her baby back in February, who has a bunch of baby pics plastered all over her office door that I have to walk by all the time.

There is a lot of "I'm not supposed to feel/act that way" in this infertility thing, and the choices in every way are not easy - work, treatments, friends, etc. I'm still trying to even begin to get a grip on them.

Okay, I'm going to try to get to sleep now, really.